A New Years Post, From The Bill Fiset Column

Bill Fiset was a columnist for the Oakland Tribune for many years... this is one of my favorite pieces from his years of satire and humor. Enjoy! Happy New Year!

Dear Betty and Joe,

First off, I want you both to know that I'm certainly not a bit angry that you ordered me out of your house at 3 am yesterday morning, at the height of your New Years Eve party. I'm not one to hold a grudge and I want you to know that I'll be happy to pay for whatever you consider to be my share of the damage that was caused.

I realize Betty and Joe, it will be virtually impossible to replace your cat, and it was certainly stupid of me to pour that saucer of straight bourbon for it, but none of us really thought the little thing would lap it all down and then run out through the French doors and throw itself in the swimming pool. Matter of fact, you probably noticed that I had quite a bit to drink myself, at your party. We live many miles apart, as you know, and there was NO way I intended to drive home on the freeway late New Year's Eve without getting bombed before-hand. It certainly is to my discredit I behaved as shabbily as you and the others at the party told me I did.

It's a credit to your bartending skills, Joe, that I even had the desire to mix those exotic rum drinks with the champagne and scotch, particularly after having all that wine at dinner, but I absolutely refuse to make that an excuse for my miserable behavior toward your niece, who I learned the next day is only 16. When I say the young lady has remarkable lung power, I do not refer to her size 38 chest, but to the intensity with which she screamed in the bedroom where I'd followed her by accident. Believe me when I say I had no intention of making any improper advances toward her, and in that regard, if you SHOULD happen to find a left shoe, size 10 in that particular bedroom, I would appreciate it's return.

I do want to apologize, also, for my erratic aim with your seltzer bottle, I was merely trying to water your hanging plant, which I noticed in your breakfast alcove, and it was only too late that I saw the stream was going into your microwave oven. That, I am certain, is what caused the minor explosion in your kitchen at that moment which short-circuited all the power in your house. Had not the lights gone out, I certainly never would have lighted the candles that accidentally set fire to your draperies, and I hope, Betty and Joe, you both will believe me in this regard.

It was only my effort, misplaced of course, to extend your hospitality that prompted me to stand out in front handing out drinks to the firemen when they arrived and I should not have done that. I imagine my actions were responsible for their delay in extinguishing the fire which unfortunately spread to your garage and consumed both your cars. Should you need temporary transportation until your insurance money arrives, I happen to have a 1938 Hudson that I would be happy to let you have for only $400.00, which is quite a bargain but one you certainly deserve.

Again, I erred in rolling your new bowling ball, Joe, down that marvelous long hall in your house. I had no idea a bowling ball would sail right on through the wallboard and into the master bathroom, shattering the commode. It was bad enough, without the dratted luck that your mother happened to be sitting there at the time. Rest assured that whatever the insurance doesn't cover, I'll be happy to drop by to repair. And please extend to your mother my wishes that the scratches she sustained in such a painful area will heal quickly.

I DO hope, Betty and Joe, that in view of our friendship back over the years, you will accept my apologies, and I'll be looking forward to receiving an invitation to that dinner party I understand you have planned for next month.

Sincerely,
Bill Fiset