Introspective Reflecting

I stayed up until 5:30 this morning, engrossed in fiction that had my rapt attention, and then I forced myself to take a nap before I got up to go to work.  I don't normally stay up that late (or, rather, early)... but it does happen from time to time.  There is a domino effect that follows, of course.  I'm tired, I give less than a stellar effort in my work throughout the day, my interactions with people are subdued and they receive less than my best, and I've heard that we never actually catch up on the sleep we lose, although I've tried!

I've not reached a point in my life that I've been seeking to get to for a long time.  One of balance.  One where everything actually works the way it's supposed to.  Sometimes I imagine a mirror image of myself, living a parallel life just the other side of some translucent barrier I can almost see and touch (thanks Hollywood for the air/water/energy force field filmy see-through image in my brain).  It's the same me, living my life, but living it the way I always wish I could.

I see the Scarlett who gets out of bed early every morning, goes to the gym every day, gets everything done on time, always says the right thing, always does the right thing, the one whose morals and integrity are always intact, the one who remembers everyone's birthday and sends the right cards and gifts, the one who keeps the spotlessly clean home, the one who finishes everything she starts, the one who is unfailingly reliable, the one who does it right, all the time, every time, the way that I mean to and just can't seem to do.  Sometimes I imagine her looking through that otherworld barrier at me, as I do her, and we regard each other.

She wonders at my life of chaos and passion and rushing about, at my spontaneity, at my self indulgence and all the extremities that are a constant in my life; everything as far as I can take it all the time, and over the edge more often than should happen.  I wonder at her perfection, at her stability and constancy, at her ability.

We are both at a loss, because each of us has qualities that the other would need for a truly full and perfect life.  We both have strength, dedication, and drive.  We are both passionate about what we do, but because we are not one person, because there is no combination of our lives, we are each leading a life that is unbalanced.  How I wish, almost daily, that she and I were one person.  I wonder how different my life would be if we were one person... my pseudo other me and I.  For now I will just keep seeking the balance between us... that place where we'd be if we were ever really able to meet and change everything.