Love Is Not All

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Do you think if I read this continually that I might believe it someday?

Keep It Simple Scarlett

~K.I.S.S.~

To say that I have a busy, chaotic life is a monumental understatement. For a long time I've lived under the misconception that if there is a free moment, it should be filled with something that needs to be done. There is always something that needs to be done. Sisyphean tasks... always more to do... never done...

I am solely responsible for the life I make for myself; when did I ordain that I emulate Sisyphus? The things that spill over the edges of my time are not great steps to completing a magnum opus, they are like sea shells... lovely on the outside, hollow on the inside, save for the echo of something greater that isn't there.  Each duty a puzzle piece that builds the image of my life, filling moments with an immutable story that can never be unwritten, undone or remade.

There is no resource as precious and priceless as time. Not in the whole universe.

I procrastinate... and I've said that one of these days I shall stop procrastinating. I always carry my planner with me and I pencil in chaos until even a glance at the month I've made is overwhelming. Busy does not equal productive. Work smarter not harder.

Scheduling balance into life is a gamble at best... I allow so many things to come up and change the direction of the ever flowing river of time I navigate. Balance is imperative for stability, growth, strength and peace.

Peace isn't something to be scheduled into a day after the gym and before work.  We carry it within us, in every moment, in every place.

I decided to downsize. I decided to make a change to live simply. Less clutter everywhere in my life, my home, my work, my schedule; everywhere in every aspect. I began to eliminate at every juncture.
Then one of my friends moved and gave me half of the contents of her house. I have a lot of stuff. You want stuff? I got stuff. What I will not use now will be donated to those who need it far more than I. The Sisyphean task of elimination has begun again; only this time, that boulder will be resting at the top of the hill and I will walk off the mountain. Here's a great piece on what I mean by downsizing and amen to Zen.

There is a way to find peace and organization and simplicity and focus by creating it in our lives. Our hectic, noisy, chaotic, non-stop, stress filled, busy, runaway train lives.

I'll let you in on a little secret... shhh... listen...
~you really are in charge of everything in your life~.

If you don't like it, change it.

There are roughly 4 billion bits of information being processed by our brains every single second. That is a LOT of information. It does not help that we have so much more coming into us constantly (i.e. the endless stimulants to our senses that are an inherent foundation of our culture such as tv/radio/media/ads/phones/computers/entertainment/
noise/lights/all the amenities of our lives that are supposed to make our existence easier but somehow just fill up more space and time and leave us with a deficit of  enrichment).

Consider:

Environment ~ start with environment. A seed cannot grow in poor soil. If your environment isn't conducive to nurturing healthy growth, then repot yourself. Old soil doesn't have the nutrients we need to grow stronger, either, but instead leads our experience to stagnancy and inhibition.

Circumstance ~ we have basic needs to meet and the labor we trade for providing for those needs does require some of our time, but not all of it. Two things that matter here are; first, is the labor we are trading worthy of the recompense we receive? Are you happy in your work? Is it fulfilling? Will you look back at the days you've spent toiling and believe that each one was worth what you accomplished at the end? Second... all of the time that isn't given to supporting your lifestyle is yours to make what you will of it... what do you make a priority of in that time? What is it given to? Are those things something worth giving your time to? If you do not have enough time for the things you want, then change your life to make those things happen. Each second of our lives burns away so quickly, until they are gone. Make them count. Make them all count.
They don't all have to be big moments, but they should all count. Let go of the ones that clutter your precious time, the things that would continue on without you, the Sisyphean tasks that will subtly devour your life if you let them.

Opportunity ~ It has been said that the harder one works, the luckier one gets. I said above that it's a better use of time to work smarter not harder, but sometimes working smart is hard work, too. The more you go after, the more opportunity will favor you; this I know to be true in my own life. Many times people have asked me how it is that so many wonderful experiences have found their way into my life... the answer is easy. I go after them. I ask for and work for the opportunities in my life, and the rewards are that I am able to experience living outside the box. I take risks and chances. I dream big. I don't give up unless I know for certain that my endeavor isn't truly within my realistic grasp. There is always a way... like water that runs against a rock until it finds a way through, opportunity will come if it is sought. It is a rare visitor if one sits idly by and waits for it to come of its own accord.


In short... your life is what you make it. Make it truly good.

Cuppa Joe

I pulled up to a shed that had been painted baby blue and renovated into a drive up coffee hut. A rubber hose that stretched out across the asphalt rang like a service station bell to alert the proprietor to my presence, when I drove over it. I looked at the brief and simple menu and then at the window.

A man of at least 150 years in age leaned his old weathered face out the window.
"YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?" he yelled across the two foot distance to me.

My biting satirical tongue was barred momentarily by my teeth which flashed a million dollar grin and I swallowed the smarty pants retort that rushed to spring from my lips before I ingested it... "No, Sir, I just pulled up to this drive up coffee shed to see if you could wash the windshield of my car and check the oil."  But I didn't say it.

"Yes, please, Sir!" I offered up to him as his window towered over my drivers side door.  Examining the menu, I thought I'd reserve my usual barista lingo coffee request and keep it simple for this elderly gentleman of the small country town persuasion. I was surprised to find a coffee shed there at all, let alone one which sold several beverage options in Italian (espresso, cappuccino...); it was encouraging, but I thought simple would be best.

"Could I please get a mochaccino, decaf?" I asked.

"A WHAT?!?!" he yelled at me, the deep lines on his old face transforming into bewilderment.

I realized, too late, that I had overestimated the culture curve bridging the short distance between us. I could simplify this again and put it into steps for him, in an effort to be helpful. 

"Could you please make a cappuccino?"

"YEAH."

"Do you have some sort of chocolate syrup that you could put into it, please?" ...voila, mochaccino.

"OH... YOU DON'T WANT A CAPPUCCINO. THERE'S NOTHING IN IT!" he hollered at me.

I was at a complete loss.

"I'm sorry?"

"YOU OUGHTTA GET A LATTE. DON'T YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAPPUCCINO AND A LATTE?"

I was dumbstruck. I was trying my very best to fathom how this elderly gentleman could possibly be serious. I smiled in confusion and politeness and he took no notice; he just plowed right on.

"A CAPPUCCINO IS ALL FOAM. YOU DON'T WANT THAT. THERE'S ONLY HALF A CUP OF COFFEE. GET A LATTE, THEN YOU HAVE A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE."

I stared at him incredulously. My two friends who were sitting in the car with me were in hysterics laughing at the situation.  I could only think that I didn't want to confound the old man any further, for that would invariably lead to more amazement on my part, and I'd had enough by this point.

"That's fine, Sir, please use decaf and please put some chocolate in it."

He left to start the coffee and I turned and stared at my friends who were still in fits of laughter. 

"HEY!" He yelled to me and I turned and looked up at him leaning out to me again.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE A SMART ASS, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW THE DIFFERENCE!" he yelled. He handed me a large cup, I paid him and we drove off.

I tasted it; it was the worst cup of joe I have ever had the misfortune to lift to my lips. I looked at my friends and said, "I'm so sorry that I didn't go to Starbucks."  They continued to laugh at the whole debacle.

Since this encounter, I have made a new cardinal rule in the Holy Book of Scarlett's Cardinal Rules... 'If they don't know what it is, don't ask them to make it, and never buy coffee from an old man in a coffee shed in a small town. Ever.'

Passport Stamps ~ On The Lighter Side

"Yes, I'd like the Reality entree with the special Common Sense Sauce, a side of Snark, lightly grilled, the Wild Side Salad but please hold the Stupid Nuts, bring the Spice of Life dressing on the side and Chocolate Covered Dreams for dessert, please."
~ Wanderlust Scarlett

Grains Of Sand

There were so many different grains of sand that fell this year. Each one very precious. Each one with significant purpose and meaning. I learned so much, this year, more than I have in a very long time. Listening affords one the opportunity to hear and then change, if one is open to that.

This was the year that seemed to ride on shifting sands all the way through... everything I thought would go one way, went another, so many plans were changed or let go of, and things I didn't expect presented themselves from seemingly nowhere.

Fine grains~

     There was forgiveness between people I love, and I forgave, and I was graciously forgiven.  It emphasized compassion, understanding, patience, devotion and love, and it strengthened bonds.

     There was discovery and adventure in small and huge ways, in new places and in old, hand in hand with friends, which only serves to enrich those kind of experiences even more.  These excursions included the procurement of a red satin fringed flapper dress, Tony Bennett, King Tut, incredible moments in Muir Woods, tigers & leopards, ocean waves, orca whales, beautiful cities, a champagne birthday on a beach before an ocean sunset, a random cow, tangible history in Westminster Abbey, new friends in London, old and new hidden treasured places along the Thames, midnight under Big Ben, a movie set & some incredible actors, dolphins in SF Bay (?!), the best breakfast cafe in SF, the best sushi in the world in V.BC, a girl and her horse make beautiful subjects before a lens, mountain lakes don't last for eternity, there are faerie glens in woods & secret mountain places, I went halfway up the Eiffel Tower... again, the umbrella salesman has a stand at the end of the rainy road, I already met the only accordion player who knows La Vie En Rose and he's not in Vegas, art comes in every form and when it's water, it's beautiful, there's no rush or thrill like standing on a stage in a theatre singing your heart out to strangers, and it is equally thrilling to see dear friends do the same.

    

Medium grains-

     Friendships mean different things to different people and when they are lost, it isn't always a bad thing.  In the face of lost friendships, the loyalty and devotion of good friends is truly shown for its priceless worth. 

     When times are very difficult, in loss, in fright, in pain, in anger, in confusion, there isn't anything so good or precious as the warm steady strength of a friends hand or loving arms to make it through the darkness.

     We have control over our environments, most of the time, and we have absolute control over how we choose to react to our environments and our experiences.  I quote Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, “...The last of human freedoms – the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” as he explains how he made it through his unthinkable ordeal.  I repeated lessons in learning to adapt and grow in different environments... learning to make choices that would benefit others as well as myself.

     Humbleness is found in honesty with self and when spoken with love by others, and it is the essential nutrient a soul needs to grow strong and upright. 

     Allowing shame and guilt to dictate behavior and thought is an unnecessary self-inflicted binding that hinders recovery and growth and should be left alone entirely.

Coarse grains- 

     One of the biggest lessons of the year, and one I am still working through, is that love is all encompassing... real love knows no bounds, it is not ruled by organization... by trying to force it into categories and definitive segments... compartmentalized until it is nicely and neatly controlled. It is fluid, powerful, endless, as the oceans I love so much. Learning how to love like that is a work in progress for me.  It is astounding what I've held back from others because I did not understand the way that love is.  I raged against the wall only to discover that I'd built the dam with my own two hands, all by myself.  There's a confounding revelation.

      Another lesson is learning to deal with everything as it comes, instead of pretending it does not exist, as has been my modus operandi for a long while.  This behavior has excluded me from the very world at large... known, unknown, wanted, unwanted, and I've missed more than I could ever express. I have a passion for life that is boundless within certain bounds.  That paradox cuts off so much possibility. I want boundless passion for life... period. I don't want to miss anything. Ever.      

    

I hope that this year has found you well and successful in every way. Healthy, strong, and happy. I hope you've realized dreams and goals, and I hope you have new ones shining in the distance of days to come.

Happy New Year

Love Embattled

"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same..."

"...He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

"He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine..."

"He'll never let his friends be at ease, and he'll never be at ease himself!"

- Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

Is there nothing as tragic and beautiful as deeply passionate love that exists but cannot be given a breath of life? I find myself wandering through the mists of Wuthering Heights from time to time; aching for the dark, brooding, melancholy Heathcliff and the only light in his life, his strong and determined Cathy.  

It is nearly unbearable to love someone so much that you cannot have; as though they were the very air that brings life and without it there is no life worth living. Is there passion like this in life? Is there love that cannot be measured, cannot be lost or changed; even by death? I must believe that there is. I must believe that every level of love leads to a pinnacle as poignant and eternal as this... as deep and strong and timeless as this... for there is no denying what our souls know, and mine knows that this is true.

Oh The Irony Of It All

First and foremost: a hearty thank you to those who served their country whether or not they agreed with politics or war.  Happy Veteran's Day.

Second... I had something shipped from a distant library to my library because I need it desperately and immediately.  I got an email from my library this morning saying that it was in and I could come pick it up when I liked.  So, I drove to the library today, was delighted because the parking meters were free (Veteran's Day) and then completely flummoxed that the library was closed (Veteran's Day).  My urgent request will have to wait until tomorrow. 

A Denial

A Denial

We have met late-it is too late to meet,
   O friend, not more than friend!
Death's forecome shroud is tangled round my feet,
And if I step or stir, I touch the end.
   In this last jeopardy
Can I approach thee, I, who cannot move?
How shall I answer thy request for love?
   Look in my face and see.

I love thee not, I dare not love thee! go
   In silence; drop my hand.
If thou seek roses, seek them where they blow
In garden-alleys, not in desert-sand.
   Can life and death agree,
That thou shouldst stoop thy song to my complaint?
I cannot love thee. If the word is faint,
   Look in my face and see.

I might have loved thee in some former days.
   Oh, then, my spirits had leapt
As now they sink, at hearing thy love-praise!
Before these faded cheeks were overwept,
   Had this been asked of me,
To love thee with my whole strong heart and head,
I should have said still . . . yes, but smiled and said,
   "Look in my face and see!"

But now . . . God sees me, God, who took my heart
   And drowned it in life's surge.
In all your wide warm earth I have no part
A light song overcomes me like a dirge.
   Could Love's great harmony
The saints keep step to when their bonds are loose,
Not weigh me down? Am I a wife to choose?
   Look in my face and see.

While I behold, as plain as one who dreams,
   Some woman of full worth,
Whose voice, as cadenced as a silver stream's,
Shall prove the fountain-soul which sends it forth;
   One younger, more thought-free
And fair and gay, than I, thou must forget,
With brighter eyes than these . . . which are not wet . . .
   Look in my face and see!

So farewell thou, whom I have known too late
   To let thee come so near.
Be counted happy while men call thee great,
And one belovèd woman feels thee dear!
   Not I! That cannot be.
I am lost, I am changed, I must go farther, where
The change shall take me worse, and no one dare
   Look in my face and see.

Meantime I bless thee. By these thoughts of mine
   I bless thee from all such!
I bless thy lamp to oil, thy cup to wine,
Thy hearth to joy, thy hand to an equal touch
   Of loyal troth. For me,
I love thee not, I love thee not! Away!
Here's no more courage in my soul to say
   "Look in my face and see."

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

My Heart And I

MY HEART AND I

Enough! we're tired, my heart and I.
We sit beside the headstone thus,
And wish that name were carved for us.
The moss reprints more tenderly
The hard types of the mason's knife,
As Heaven's sweet life renews earth's life
With which we're tired, my heart and I.

You see we're tired, my heart and I.
We dealt with books, we trusted men,
And in our own blood drenched the pen,
As if such colors could not fly.
We walked too straight for fortune's end,
We loved too true to keep a friend;
At last we're tired, my heart and I.

How tired we feel, my heart and I
We seem of no use in the world;
Our fancies hang gray and uncurled
About men's eyes indifferently;
Our voice which thrilled you so, will let
You sleep; our tears are only wet:
What do we here, my heart and I?

So tired, so tired, my heart and I!
It was not thus in that old time
When Ralph sat with me 'neath the lime
To watch the sunset from the sky.
"Dear love, you're looking tired," he said:
I, smiling at him, shook my head.
'Tis now we're tired, my heart and I.

So tired, so tired, my heart and I!
Though now none takes me on his arm
To fold me close and kiss me warm
Till each quick breath end in a sigh
Of happy languor.  Now, alone,
We lean upon this graveyard stone,
Uncheered, unkissed, my heart and I.

Tired out we are, my heart and I.
Suppose the world brought diadems
To tempt us, crusted with loose gems
Of powers and pleasures?  Let it try.
We scarcely care to look at even
A pretty child, or God's blue heaven,
We feel so tired, my heart and I.

Yet who complains?  My heart and I?
In this abundant earth no doubt
Is little room for things worn out:
Disdain them, break them, throw them by!
And if before the days grew rough
We once were loved, used, - well enough,
I think, we've fared, my heart and I.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browing

A Farewell To A Friend~

We've seen and done so much,  you and I, haven't we?
Been through highs and lows together,
Sailed & flown through days & months & years, together.
We've laughed and cried, loved and fought,
You and I have watched so much time pass;
More than can be measured.

There is a bend in our road that you cannot see,
A change in the cadence of our walk.
There is a road that I must take alone, dear one,
And though I am letting go of your hand, know that I will
Always hold you in my heart.
I know there will be a day when this road brings me back
To you
I will hold your hand to my cheek & embrace you so tightly.

But until then,
I have promises to keep; promises made to people
I love
And I must keep my word.
So farewell, for a time, sweet friend.
May wings of Angels encircle you,
And keep you with my love,
Until I can return.

Thanks to Radeka Photography for the image

In Which I Become The Muse Of Irony & Serendipity

Scarlett: I'll have a chicken salad, please.

Waitress: We don't have chicken salad.

Scarlett: Fine.  I'll have a chicken burrito with lettuce and tomato and hold the tortilla.

Waitress: No problem, that will be right out.

Scarlett:  :/