Monday, September 20, 2010

Introspective Reflecting

I stayed up until 5:30 this morning, engrossed in fiction that had my rapt attention, and then I forced myself to take a nap before I got up to go to work.  I don't normally stay up that late (or, rather, early)... but it does happen from time to time.  There is a domino effect that follows, of course.  I'm tired, I give less than a stellar effort in my work throughout the day, my interactions with people are subdued and they receive less than my best, and I've heard that we never actually catch up on the sleep we lose, although I've tried!

I've not reached a point in my life that I've been seeking to get to for a long time.  One of balance.  One where everything actually works the way it's supposed to.  Sometimes I imagine a mirror image of myself, living a parallel life just the other side of some translucent barrier I can almost see and touch (thanks Hollywood for the air/water/energy force field filmy see-through image in my brain).  It's the same me, living my life, but living it the way I always wish I could.

I see the Scarlett who gets out of bed early every morning, goes to the gym every day, gets everything done on time, always says the right thing, always does the right thing, the one whose morals and integrity are always intact, the one who remembers everyone's birthday and sends the right cards and gifts, the one who keeps the spotlessly clean home, the one who finishes everything she starts, the one who is unfailingly reliable, the one who does it right, all the time, every time, the way that I mean to and just can't seem to do.  Sometimes I imagine her looking through that otherworld barrier at me, as I do her, and we regard each other.

She wonders at my life of chaos and passion and rushing about, at my spontaneity, at my self indulgence and all the extremities that are a constant in my life; everything as far as I can take it all the time, and over the edge more often than should happen.  I wonder at her perfection, at her stability and constancy, at her ability.



We are both at a loss, because each of us has qualities that the other would need for a truly full and perfect life.  We both have strength, dedication, and drive.  We are both passionate about what we do, but because we are not one person, because there is no combination of our lives, we are each leading a life that is unbalanced.  How I wish, almost daily, that she and I were one person.  I wonder how different my life would be if we were one person... my pseudo other me and I.  For now I will just keep seeking the balance between us... that place where we'd be if we were ever really able to meet and change everything.



10 comments:

verilion said...

Maybe one day you'll find yourself on the other side of the mirror wondering how to get back to what you are now. Besides, getting up early every day sucks, trust me :)

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Verilion,

That's very sweet, thanks for the smile. ;D
And... I think there should be some days when one can sleep in a while. 5 of the 7 would be good.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Cupcake Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cupcake Man said...

Only two of you to worry about? Be thankful. You've got it together!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Just the fact that you aspire to such perfection makes you pretty near perfect already. I, too, have unrealistically high standards for myself and lie in bed at night, pondering all the ways I failed to do or say the right thing - or worse, did the wrong one. I am not good enough at most things, but quite expert at self-castigation.

Perhaps we should both try to be gentler with ourselves, and to remember that we get to reinvent ourselves every day. Or get a new damn mirror!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Cupcake, I'm trying to cut back. ;D Two is plenty.


Hearts,

Nowhere near perfect, and thank goodness because then life would lose it's luster, I think.
Being more balanced, though, would be SO nice.
Gentler with self... good plan. No one in my whole life has been as hard on me as I am on myself, and I think perhaps that might be true of you... perhaps.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Suburbia said...

But nothing and no one is ever perfect, your life sounds much more exciting and fun. I'd like to take a leaf out of your book!

:-)

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

My sweet Suburbia,

It's true, there is no perfection. More's the pity. :)

This leaf I give to you; live life to the fullest extent that you can, for it is brief and fleeting, and every single breath counts.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Vesper said...

I'm not so sure you would like that much the Scarlett that you see on the other side of the translucent barrier... That kind of "perfection" doesn't have much imagination. It seems to me that your life, imperfect as you sometimes might perceive it, is in fact infinitely better, for it has chaos, and passion, and extremes...

I love this post. Of course, I recognize my worries and aspirations in it.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Vesper,

Very true... but I do wish for just a little bit of stability and perfection in all my passionate chaos. A good blend of the two. Balance.

:)

Glad you found some of yourself in there.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore