Saturday, June 9, 2007

Killing me ever so softly

I am an old soul, and a wanderer. In my mind, in reality, in my heart, in my soul... in every fiber of my being that trembles with anticipation... curiosity... and yearning to move with the winds and touch every place I can find. It is the quintessence of my existence.
I sometimes wander to wondrous places, and sometimes, I miss the scent that somehow should have warned me away from others. Recently I found myself in a place, by chance, that is not a bad place for me to be, on the surface.
But my 'satiable curtiosity' (reference Rudyard Kipling's Elephants Child on this term and spelling), got the better of me, and I waded in deep. As deep as one can go.
There was a curtain shrouding the depths. As I inched in, the breeze of invitation and familiarity danced in the curtains, and I was slowly seduced into going further and further. With every step, it seemed that I was walking in a dream... some place I'd been before but had forgotten, and only vaguely recognized. So I continued, until I came upon a shock, quite unexpectedly. It took my breath away... but I stayed... and then there were more... here and there, around every bend. The shroud would move, gently, and each time I'd find myself looking into a mirror, but the face looking back at me was not mine. The strange face in the mirror would vanish and hide again for brief moments, and then reappear again, suddenly, clearly, and much closer than I could bear. Truth staring back at me with no grace.
I would close my eyes, and step away... no, this cannot be. This person, in this mirror, this stranger cannot know me so intimately, so deeply. I have walls up, I have a fortress around my heart and soul that no one can penetrate. The unfamiliar face, in the familiar place, could not possibly exist. I dreamed this person up... a figment of my fancies. A mirage. But there those eyes were... staring back into mine. Mocking me... "I know you... know you of old... you can hide nothing from me." There were words... so many words put together so carefully... crafted to shatter my walls with their quiet force, albeit unknowingly.
The words, the meanings, the truths hidden within were so clear to me, with a light as bright as the sun shining relentlessly on all the secret rooms and caverns of my heart... exposing everything I have so carefully tucked away... buried. I fell to my knees and begged, with tears streaming... anguished in such deep and terrible pain... no, please, no... say no more. Hide these truths from me that I have ignored into oblivion.
But they seared their way into my mind... and would not be forgotten.
In a feeble attempt to recover, I smiled through the tears and ache... I am fine, I lied. It's all a coincidence. These mirrored truths that flash mercilessly at me from a strangers eyes... they are all just mere irony... nothing real. Nothing...
But I could not turn away.
I have wandered too far... and when I realized the distance I'd gone, I knew I could not go back. I have neither the strength nor the willpower to move.
I can only lay in this bed of thorns until time eases the wounds and I am able to escape. Like a wounded dove, I will fly away... so far away, as soon as the possibility becomes reality.
In the meantime, I shall learn to dance on hot coals, and the bittersweet familiarity will not overcome me.
It may be killing me... ever so softly, but I have been near death before, and I do not fear it.
I will fly fast, and sure... and find other shores to wander on that will only know the footprints I've left behind.


Scarlett

8 comments:

Dewey said...

Such pretty writing! Do you mean old soul literally, as in reincarnation? I don't have any belief system at all (agnostic I guess) but I do WANT reincarnation to be real.

But what I really came to ask is if there are different versions of the Anne movies, and if there are, which ones you recommend.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Hello Dewey!

I am so glad you are here!!!
I mean my soul is old... no reincarnation, I have just always been much, much older than my physical years. Not unlike Anne, really.
Actually, there are three Anne movies, each of them is 3 hours.
They were filmed in Canada, where it all takes place, which is completely apropos, and incredibly beautiful. They used the same actors in all the movies, so you see the same characters growing up.
A dear friend of mine who lives very near P.E.I. tells me that there is an actual Anne house/Green Gables that has been built, and can be toured.
There are only one set of Anne movies, but several cartoons. If you google it, you'll find Sullivan entertainment almost immediately, and that's where you could go to get them.
You'll want to own them, I promise, so even if you buy them before you have seen them, I promise you will be glad you did.
So pleased that you came by!

Scarlett

Dewey said...

I never buy movies! I just rent them from Blockbuster and then copy them illegally. I am a very bad girl. But I'll put those movies straight into my queue. Thanks!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I never heard you say a word... don't know anything...

what?

goodthomas said...

I loved this Scarlett. This was some very nice writing. I liked your intro and then how you kind of slid into the poetic. I liked the feeling of steps, of footsteps, of wandering, of dancing, but also of flying. The imagery in this is quite strong.

Oh and I loved "Tuscany" the other day. Wow. Very, very, very nice.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Good morning, Mr. GoodThomas,

How nice to see you!
When something is written from the heart, it has a tendency to touch others. In this case, I am so very glad that it did.
Thank you for your kind words, coming from a writer with your talents, I take that has quite a compliment. I am humbled and very happy. Big smiles over here.

I had a feeling you'd like Tuscany. It's in your soul. I only know that because it is in mine also, and the souls of a handful of some of my dear friends (my mermaids, my R. Sunshine, RJ, and my dear sister).
It's as though we belong there in a visceral way... belong to the very soil, the roots of the trees clear to the leaves, the vines that reach for the sun, the sea, the air that moves through and over all of it, and the history of it for all time. Somehow we have each wandered away, but someday we will all be back there, where we belong... one way, or another.

Thank you for being here.

Scarlett

hermana-amiga said...

Jesus is full of grace and truth. His forgiveness covers all past sins, and washes you white as snow. When you are reminded of the past, take comfort in knowing that God does not remember our sins, and He removes them from us, as far as the East is from the West. And. He loves us more deeply than we can ever fathom.

*Hugs*

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Buenos Dias Hermana,

Thank you for coming by!
I know Jesus very well. I'm glad that you do too.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore